Monday, March 12, 2007

unrequited like.

I'm getting a little in-over-my-head. I was going to elaborate, but I think that explains it all.

and no, this isn't directed at anyone in particular, I'm not passive-aggressive like that, thankyouverymuch.

but I've been having two types of problems recently.
1. boys, boys, everywhere...and some of 'em are most certainly tall drinks of water.
2. I don't always want what they got. even if they got it and got it good. I'm flibbertigibbety like that.

but here's why item 2 makes sense--after talking to a guy friend of mine last night the full ramifications of my potential upcoming decision hit home. y'see, in six months or less I will likely be living in a different state. an eight hour drive away. and busy as all get out. going to grad and law school can do that to you. damn foxy and her over-achiever-ness.

but on the flip side of that moving far-far-away coin, I am also ready for a relationship--well, sorta. I think honestly I'm ready for the beginning of a relationship. A potential for a relationship. Not a friend with benefits, not someone to buy me flowers, not a head-over-heels love. I mean, if I want to make out with someone I know I'll have plenty of volunteers, I am capable of buying my own damn flowers if I have to (though they ARE very nice to recieve!) and the last idea makes me simultaneously sigh in happiness and wince in fear.

am I conflicted? probably.
am I okay with that? you bet.

Anyhoo, this guy friend. Well, we were talking and drinking wine and smoking cigars (well, I had a cigar. he had a cigarette), and he asked me what I was going to do. Do I date people? Do I just go "have a good time?" Do I cloister myself? Become a hermit? Become a hook-up-er? Do I risk falling for someone and let their presence cloud/effect/change my judgment and my plans? Do I kiss to kiss? Do I just go it alone?

the answer to all of these is no. except for maybe that cloister thing. ;)

and it's no because it's not fair to me.
and no because one of the meanest things you can do to someone is purposefully perpetuate unrequited like.
and no because no matter how good the kisses are, if there's not feeling (or at least an inkling/possibiltity of it) behind them then they aren't really good at all. not really.
and no because I don't want to be that person.

so for now, I'll do what I want, and I'll go slow. half the beauty of a flower is how each single petal unfolds. you've gotta stop to appreciate and soak in the essence of each part or you won't appreciate the whole nearly enough. I think I can have my cake and eat it too--or at least pursue my interests and have a dating life, of sorts. as long as I'm honest and upfront. and when the time is come, and things should change, I'll know it. and until then, well, I remain affectionately yours, smart-and-single land.



~BB said...

Ah... Love this blog. Hit the nail on the head, my favorite foxy :)

thesezzzzyone said...

ofvery right. very excited you are in control of life. not many of us are (including me). though the flower analogy reminded me of the "talk" I once had with my mother.