Tuesday, March 27, 2007

no, i will not make out with you!

aka, friends with benefits, revisited.

I am in a weird mood today. I’ve started like three or four posts, not of which had the oomph I was going for. So here’s a rant. Do enjoy.

ugh. I have a friend. He is hot and brilliant and pretty damn sexy, really. We've known each other for years. When we met, we were both married, but since we're flirts, we flirted. I've been divorced for years now, but his is still in the works. And he's looking for some action.

previously, after having to grip the swinging-lock-thing on the door in order to anchor myself to reality so as not to get swept away and up the stairs by the kissing I couldn't quite make stop, I told him off. I didn't take his calls, and if I did respond to a text message it was to politely decline. "I'm not looking for anything incredibly serious right now, but I want there to be a possibility of it," I explained to him. And I'd clarified because he'd explained to me that he thought I was hot and was interested in me, but wouldn’t make a good boyfriend right now, and was really just looking for a fuckbuddy. And as a semi-recently singled, known-to-him smart girl that he found attractive, I fit the bill for his "type", y’see. For clarification: this information was divulged 1) after a couple of beers and 2) during the kissing, which was so good I was barely able to stop.

Anyhoo. Flash forward to just before now-ish. That was a few months ago, in 2006. and now we’re almost through March.

So I finally decided that since it had been months since the last time I saw him, and hoping he’d take the hint, I agreed to hang out with him again. And boy, was that a mistake. I explained to him that I’m not just looking for someone to make out with—that I am not just dating to date. It doesn’t have to turn into something serious, but there has to be a real possibility or it’s just not worth it to me. It’s how Foxy’s brain works. He explains that I “don’t have to make out with him if I don’t want to” (DUH!) and that he is actually interested in me, that he really likes me, that he would want to consider being "more." I don’t know what to think of this, and I try to move on, y’know, like you do.

So fast forward (or rewind, depending on your point of view) to yesterday. YESTERDAY. I email to ask him a doctorly question (the name of something—he’s a med school student) and this was the first time we’d spoken since. It’s been faaar too long for him to have any hope with me now, not like he had much of one in the first place, anyway. Ignoring a girl is a sure-fire way to make her not interested anymore, dontchaknow? But then. THEN. He has the gall to basically explain to me that he’d like to be—get this—friends with benefits, but semi-exclusive, and he wasn’t interested in a non-sexual dating relationship.

Hello Foxy, this is disease, emotional trauma and complications calling, we’d like to cause you distress.


I don’t understand how he, or any guy for that matter, can have this viewpoint. I mean, sure, any dating relationship could technically be called friends with benefits—if you boil it down in either case it’s often still two people getting their rocks off, flirting, etc. But one has emotion and a path, and the other doesn’t. And in my book it’s okay to date around and kiss and have some good old fashioned fun—for a while. But what, exactly, is semi-exclusive, could you explain, please? And why would I want to agree to it? And it made me think of the feller who commented on this post about how “I can't promise you'll end up with me as a boyfriend if we get naked but I can promise you won't if we don't.” I mean, there comes a point or whatever, but REALLY?

boggles. my. mind.

So, if you’re a guy like that, if you think like either of those two guys do, you’ve got another thing coming. Just giving you a friendly heads up. And maybe my middle finger too, just for good measure. 'cause you? you're an asshat.



TTBOO said...

I'm all about the friends with benefits right now because
(1) in mid January, my gf of 6 months dumped me and...asked to be friends wtih benefits 1.5 weeks later. I responded harshly, and since our social circles intersect, many people think I am an asshole. I've been pretty torn up about it.
(2) As a result, I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I can't offer the prospect of anything more. So therefore, I really want FWB.

This has led to massive blog searches on FWB, and I must say: good for you. Absolutely, don't accept something you don't want. Don't allow yourself to be used. This guy's persistence is outrageous. You can never really ask for friends with benefits, it kind of has to happen, and when it does happen, usually someone wants more as their motive anyway.

Only accept what you want, otherwise you'll have jaded guys like me coming after ya :).

foxysavant said...

uh, hope you don't mind that I say this, but that girl sounds like bad news.

I can completely understand your wanting to be casual for awhile, that's what I wanted after my relationship ended in october.

I guess for me it kinda boils down to the difference between casual kissing and casual sex? I'm up for one occasionally, but not for the other.

and it is outrageous. I'm glad you agree.

I'll look out for the jaded ones. they're harder to turn down if they're cute though... :D

TTBOO said...

you don't know the half of it...I basically said "fuck you. FWB is fucking, and we both know I deserve more than that. When you broke up with me you broke up with my cock. I'm not going to whore myself out to you, that is not going to change in 1 week or 1 year from now."

Her response "I was just joking."

2 weeks later I found out her ex of 5 years proposed to her 1.5 weeks before she dumped me. Double ouch. I guess she said no...it's 2.5 months and still a bit scarring. I don't want sex. I've whored myself before and it was detrimental. Now, that doesn't mean I don't want to make out like crazy, I am cute and I can't wait for bar make-outs this summer. I'm sure I'll "rebound" and be open to something after I've had a small amount of casual attention and feel like I can trust.

foxysavant said...

good for you. "broke up with my cock." that made me laugh!

also, I can cast no stones about making out with people. Not a one. Though I have still kissed a pretty small amount of people for being 26, my good friends have teased me about being a "tongue slut" or "lip whore." I wasn't ready for much at first either--my relationship before had been for a year and nine month, and I just wanted some "appropriate male attention." which in my book includes kissing. :)

but in my particular case, it was the "I don't want a non-sexual dating relationship" that astounded me. Immediate sex should never be an initial requisite for dating--it's something you do when you're ready and willing, not 'cause ya feel ya hafta.

also, what does ttboo stand for?

TTBOO said...

The Tom Brady of Oceanography. I don't want a non-sexual dating relationship either, but I would like to WANT to spend the night before having sex.

Last spring I had acquired the nickname man whore specifically for my make out conquests. It will happen again soon :).