Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Let's talk about sex ba.by.

Ladies, all the ladies, louder now, help me out. Come on, all the ladies - let's talk about sex, all right...

We've all tried it.. some successfully, some not so successfully.. Telephonic gratification.. or phone sex if you will.. We can even lump instant messenger/email foreplay into it...I'm in an anti-blushing mood today, so I figured I wouldn't waste it and decided to post about sex. So......

There really is an array.. a menu if you will... of which to select option...Please order when ready.

(1) Text sex. This is a good "starter" option for the less experienced. "What are you wearing" usually starts the convo.. or even "I want you." That's a good opener. This option can be utilized at a bar when he's not there and you've had too much to drink, at work where you just feel like being playful, or really anywhere.... That's what makes it fun. Versatile, nonverbal, safe sex..text style.
(2) The actual get on the phone...usually late at night....flirty leads to dirty. Yeah. Whether you go through with it or just play it up like you are, this option is not for the faint of heart. You have to actually participate...not just sit there and breath heavy like you may have asthma. Just sayin, if you're ready for this, you have to bring it. haha.
(3) Email/Instant messenger. Use contractions and don't write like you're writing a damn memorandum at work. The whole "I cannot wait until I see you later. We shall participate in sexual activities." hahaah. Okay, maybe its not that bad.. but still. This is kinda "iffy" if you dont like having evidence of your intimacy.. lol! Emails can come back and bite ya..

When guys need instruction. Funny moments that aren't so sexy.
(1) If you're having the text sex-ness, TEXT BACK IMMEDIATELY. Sheez! We're chicks.. You bore us or keep us waiting and the game is over for us. Seriously. Be creative and use the fingers God gave you to type... damnit! Plus, if you're not typing back we wonder what you're doing.. and well.. that might gross us out. I mean.. it's a TEXT MESSAGE for crying out loud.. Get a hold of yourself, man!

(2) If you having the phone sex-ness, be descriptive. We all know you'd be good with "and then I took of your clothes. and then we screwed on the sofa. done." Really though.. we're girls.. we need more. We need the story from beginning to end. We need romance.

(3) ...which leads to another point, DONT. JUMP. AROUND. What is it with the guys that think it's okay to say "I kissed you in the shower... "then we were in the car.." I'm sitting there thinking "Um.. am I supposed to think it's hot that we just transitioned from the shower to the car?! Did I put on clothes in between? Your fantasy is confusing me. I'm bored." My A.D.D. starts kicking in....and I'm up getting a glass of water and faking the "uh huh.. oh.. definitelys" hahaha.. Tell a story. Don't skip chapters. *sigh*

(4) Did men miss the boat when it comes to understanding we dont wanna hear "boy words?" C'mon.. you know what I'm talking about.. I'm sittin there thinking "Yeah, Ill get outta my element a little for some excitement.. WHOA..why'd you say THAT?! EW.." It's like they started talking to a porn star. That's. Not. Hot. You didn't dial 1-900.. you called your GIRLFRIEND! Sheez. lol!

I sound like I'm going for expert status or I do this all the time. I assure you neither is the case... but I'm not uncomfortable talking about the information I've collected through stories with girlfriends and previous experience.. It's useful. It's funny.. and damnit it's true! hahaha! Keepin things alive is healthy...and if you cant laugh at yourself or your experiences, what's the point anyway, right?! :)

I feel so Oz and his girlfriend from American Pie 2.. haha... Dirty dialing 101 on this Wednesday..
~BB

1 comment:

foxysavant said...

this.
cracks.
me.
up.

that is all.