Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Speaking of Mr. Ex, he emailed me. He actually emailed me a novel. It was funny.. b/c it was exactly what I thought I wanted to hear..things like "I messed up." and "I'm sorry I was such a jackass when you didnt do anything to deserve it." and "I wish I hadnt done X, Y, and Z.." and "I miss you." He wasnt asking for anything.. really wasnt..just seemed to be attempting to relieve his conscience..which I wasnt sure he had anymore. In a moment of firey annoyance, I fired an email back at him...an email that wasn't emotional or even bitter, but rather cold, emotionless and exactly how I felt. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was cruel..but....It was sharp, yes..very sharp. When I get frustrated, angry, etc, I get brutally eloquent... part of the job I do, I think. Anyway...he wrote me back and thanked me for my email saying it was "what he deserved." I wrote him back, less fired up...more distanced from the whole thing.. and actually wrote yet another eloquent, but nicer, email...(still not emotional, I might add)..saying no one DESERVES to feel crappy. He thanked me. I breathed deeply after our series of emails...It felt okay.. I didn't want him back. I didn't say anything I'd take back. I miss him alright...but I missed myself so much more during the last few months of our relationship. I've got myself back..and I'm not trading that. *happy sigh* I'm not looking for a best friend in him..or even a friend for that matter b/c that would be too hard, but life's too short to have enemies and it feels damn good to not really feel like he's mine anymore..even though I thought that's what I wanted so badly. Oh, I am SO ready to be out of my 20s.. I hear it gets better.. I prefer to live in that delusion.. LOL! :)
1. Rather than my already over protective little (6 ft 3 in rugby playing) brother, I have inherited the likes of 16 big brothers over the entirety of the continental United States.
2. These big brothers also fall under the category of protector and judge of any gentleman I bring home. Whether a friend, a date, a lover or whatever the status is of the dude, my guys friends immediately judge him, dislike him and inform me I should never see the guy again. These statements made on various grounds, not exclusive to “he’s a jerk,” “he is homeless,” “he doesn’t appreciate my comic figure collection,” “really? Him?” and the best one “he’s not good enough for you.”
3. They are the ultimate ‘cock block.’ It is one thing to be protective of me, especially when out in public and me wearing a provocative outfit that GASP, shows my ankles. Though waiting for me to get out of the bathroom may seem the gentlemanly thing to do, it is in fact hindering me from walking past the cute guy who has been gazing and smiling at me all evening.
4. Since no man in the whole universe is good enough for me, they refuse to set me up with single guys they know. Maybe there is a tiny bit of validity behind this if perhaps all of their friends are rapists and puppy killers, but otherwise, please let me decide if the guy is right for me or not.
5. And the most annoying thing about guy friends is when they happen upon some dumb girl to date, they abruptly will put me at arm’s length so that they new bitchy, overly jealous girlfriend won’t feel threatened. Despite the fact that if I wanted her guy, I could have had him and I prolly don’t even want him!
So when you see the girl, flanked by guy friends, watching football, drinking beers and having a jovial time, remember, she’s not looking to date them. She’s looking to date their friends.
Always yours, TSO
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
or, at least I did, coz that's how I roll.
so, then. you're sitting with your friends, and some friends of birthday boy's girlfriend roll up. one is friendly and from kentucky, but he talks with an accent that could best be described as, "maybe australian?" the other is very tall and pretty cute in a rugged/pretty boy kind of way. later in the evening, while talking to that girlfriend, you're asked to come sit by the tall one. he is funny. he is flirty. he seems pretty cute. he keeps telling you how nice you are, and how you smile all the time--he seems to be just AMAZED by this. he's from new york, y'see, and people just aren't as nice or as smiley. And of course this all just makes me smile more.
and then it happens.
the group is cutting up.
he finishes his beer.
he looks at you, and you see it in your peripheral vision.
you listen to your friend finishing his funny story.
you laugh some more.
you notice that tall guy has picked up your 3/4 full beer.
you observe that he pours half of your beer into his glass.
you exchange annoyed/bothered looks with the girl across the way.
you continue to politely listen and try to muster laughs when appropriate.
he sees your look of amazement and pats your shoulder reassuringly, almost "hushing" you, as one would a small child.
you try to remain your composure, as it is only a beer, and this is a birthday party, and it is impolite and impractical to make a scene at either.
you quickly finish the rest of your beer so the tall jackass won't do it for you.
and then, what did I go do? of course I went to the cute bartender. who, unfortch, has a girlfriend (I asked), but actually made me feel better, as I left the conversation NOT feeling rejected. Which is good. He almost, almost seemed disappointed that he had one. :)
cute bartender (McDrinkey?) offered to get my half of a beer back, but I declined. I then collected my belongings, told the birthday boys goodnight and then told tall jackass. "You have a lot of nerve. And just so you know, I've had a lot of guys buy me drinks, but I've never had someone take one from me. Real Classy, guy. Classy."
and then I left. but not before I said goodbye to Cute bartender, Chad, who told me to come back anytime, he was always there on Tuesdays, and who gave me a hug before I left.
does this happen in real life? I mean, it did to me, but what?!? yikes.
oh, and I think smartypants doesn't fit me anymore. (it was either this or foxysavant)
I think it's quite sad that you still do things in hopes of "getting" to me. Please note I understand that I am beginning to understand your self worth seems to be measured in seeing whether you effect me by still hurting my feelings. All I have to say, is GO. RIGHT. AHEAD. Your actions do not, have not, and WILL not merit my contacting you to give you the satisfaction of letting you know I'm bothered..even for a nanosecond. Even better, you don't seem to realize that with every asshole move, I actually am LESS bothered b/c it's beginning to just be expected. You see, YOU, the saddness I once expressed was something that crept out during the process which I realized you truly weren't the person I thought you were. Frankly, it's almost pathetic to think that the only way you even know how to communicate with me is to attempt to hurt my feelings. I think it's a complete outward demonstration of your poor relationship with integrity.
That is all. For now. :) Will someone else friggin blog?!! Maybe I just have a lot to say lately.. LOL!!!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Okay, something that bothers me. Hot guys think they ROCK in bed.. just b/c they're hot. Newsflash... NO. A certain Mr. Ex in my past was a rather yummy piece of eye candy.. THAT I will freely admit...and he was awesome at the actual act, but the getting there.. No. It's as if he didn't really know HOW to give a lot of effort into it b/c he'd never had to.. I mean.. he is likely an exception on A LOT of levels (annoyed eye roll) but, from knowing his past, I dont think he got turned down a lot...which is fine buuuut.. At any rate, this brings me to the theory: Average/cute guys are better b/c they've had to try harder to..um.. get to that place...than the "I know I'm hot" guys.. Agree? Yeah, fine.. no more code.. fore.play. Are average/cute guys better at foreplay? I think maybe so. When I say foreplay I mean EVERYTHING from romancing to the actual act and everything in between. I think it has a lot to do with modesty and being humble.. b/c it's not just the hotties, but the ones that KNOW they're hot.. the ones that stare in their reflection in the car windows in the parking lot. Yeah, okay.. Hmm.. You're either laughing or shaking your head at me. Either way, I'm still perplexed and like theorizing...
Getting my mind out of the gutter now...
So, I get annoyed at the whole "size matters" argument b/c it just makes people (guys) think that the bigger the better...which is NOT true. (also not true is lasting longer is better but I'll save that for another post) I mean.. seriously.. I've dated Mr. Big (fun sex and the city reference) and frankly, it wasn't a great time. It was actually quite UNenjoyable.. especially since we had a long distance relationship and therefore had to wait weeks sometimes in between doin the deed. No regular "deed" + Mr. Big= me cringing. Plus, guys think just b/c it's large and in charge, they MUST be good in bed. Also not true.
However, what do you do if you are REALLY like someone who isn't quite as endowed? All funny aside.. think about it.. The possibility of your entire life with Mr. NOT as big. I mean.. I'm a girl who has been lucky enough to have boyfriends that fit somewhere in between (no pun intended)...not Mr. Big, but not Mr. I-didnt-feel-that either. I like that the best... as you will likely agree. (For some reason I feel the need to defend myself here and say I really haven't gotten around that much...and actually have a quite small magic number for most people my age). But, seriously, ladies, you wine, dine, laugh, start to really LIKE this guy over several dates.. and then there it is.. or there it "isnt" I guess. WHAT do you DO? I mean.. by the time I go there, I have typically started to really like a guy, so just dropping him would be HARD (so many unintentional puns). I mean... it SHOULDNT matter.. but... buuuuuuut.. the fact is.. sex DOES matter and although it seems shallow, is it so wrong to be freaked about something smaller in stature for. ever.? I am not saying to dump someone b/c of it.. NO WAY.. but thinking about the issue.. Yeah, totally. Go ahead.. even if you shunned me for thinking it, you kinda agree a little... :)
Monday, January 22, 2007
1. If I'm at dinner with my girl friends, an empty chair does not mean I want you to sit down. ASK for crying out loud!
2. If I say I am having "girls night" (even if its a lie.. like it was this weekend), DONT SHOW UP...especially ALONE and linger in the background like some freak. (Read my Mr. Wont Go Away blog.. this is him)
3. If I say I don't want a shot, I DONT. It's not some single girl trickery I am playing. DONT grab my arm, tease me, prod me or pull me toward the bar as if you are doing some really awesome thing by buying me a shot. I understand you just want to get me wasted. Jackass.
4. If YOU get up to get a drink, ask me if I want one. It's manners, idiot.
5. Don't try to "buy" me by getting me, my friends, and whoever else you think I might know in the vicinity a drink. OVER. BOARD.
6. WALK ME TO MY CAR. Are you a f-ing MORON? I mean...you think I'm gonna return your calls even if I gave you my number when you stand there and watch me walk toward the parking lot.. alone...in the dark. Yeah. I dont think so, idiot.
7. Oh, and don't stare (notice I didnt say 'glance' I said STARE) at my breasts when you think I'm not looking. I AM LOOKING, PERVERT.
8. Don't pretend that you're in the same career as me...then stumble through what you think someone in that career would say. (This includes statements like "yeah, I had to call someone today about lots of papers and files. I do lots of that on the weekends." WHAT?LOL!!!!)
Caviat: For the most part, these guys are harmless and quite entertaining...But seriously, mannnnners and tact! Sheez! :)
if you were dreaming, this toothbrush would suggest that you are feeling defensive about any criticism directed towards you, that you are putting up a shield or barrier to protect yourself from potential hurt or that you are preoccupied with your appearance and worry about how others perceive you...
however in real life, a toothbrush, all on its own, it serves as a reminder to take care of yourself, I suppose. but somehow when there's two of them, that second one that you don't use means so much more, because it's someone else's. and sometimes because it's yours, but it's at his place. it's symbolic of something--that second toothbrush.
me? I'm digging the second toothbrush. so fresh and so clean-clean. and it works nicely to take care of morning breath. :)
Saturday, January 20, 2007
for being a "hot nerd'
and for religious diversity. (there are five religions represented in my immediate family--of five)
and apparently, I'm the girl who you give a goodbye letter/email/talk. I think I could quite possibly be the posterchild for it (and, also for falling in love with far too deeply and far too quickly, but that's another story for another day--anyhoo.).
if you include when I was working at the gap I've gotten at least FOUR. f-o-u-r. seriously.
my most recent was sent at nearly 10 o'clock, telling me how I was one of the most interesting people he'd ever met, and how I was so cool and smart and funny, and how I was "also so extremely pretty" and how he was going to miss seeing me and seeing me laugh and smile. (this, by the way, is very good/bad for the ego, and I'm totally okay with these benefits/repercussions, thankyouverymuch!)
so, I'm wondering what it is that makes guys do this. why do they wait until they're leaving and then FINALLY let out whatever it is they have to say? in college I got the "I wish I'd taken you out on a date" from a fellow lab worker--one who I practically threw myself at. And later in college, as an intern, a lower-on-the-totem-pole intern who used to leave me funny post-it-o'-the-days wrote me a letter telling me all sorts of cool things he liked about me. The gap one was less substantial, and now there's this one.
for the record, only one of these guys had a shot--the one who regretted having not asked me out in the first place. and it's not that I wanted the attention, it's just that I don't understand. I know that in asking someone out you're putting your heart on the line....
...but why put it on the line when you're leaving? you're less vulnerable, but then it's sure to be unrequited.
maybe I should change my moniker. to heartbreaker? theonethatgotaway?theposterchild? thegirlthatguysdon'ttellthey'reinterestedinuntilthey'releaving?
~smartypants (for now, anyway)
Thursday, January 18, 2007
The dude who you have fun with, can’t stand for more than a night, but is always dependable nonetheless. .
That guy you call when you are a little stressed.
Sitting at a hip bar, drinking champagne from a straw and realizing that no boy was going to hit on us that night (despite short skirts, eyeliner and a head full of hilarious quips and puns) my friend and I got into a long discussion about this trend. After her annual trip to the lady doctor, Esmeralda admitted to having taken on six lovers over the past year. Promptly, we decided that this was 1) not a big deal and 2) she was not a whore.
Back in the day when ladies wore gloves, ankles were sexy and pregnancy was determined by a dead bunny rabbit, we got married at 18 and started “enjoying” our lives. I’m six years past eighteen and have no plans to not “enjoy” my life. And there is something a bit romanticized about having affairs (non adulterous) with beautiful lovers. Despite what the statistics may say, this is not a new trend. Look at Orlando and Rosaline, Valentine and Silvia, Lancelot and Gwenivere and so on and so on.
And now that I have finished my literary plug for the afternoon, back to the topic at hand.
After our talk we both decided what is important is what we, as grown women, feel about this topic.
Dealing with my own experiences of taking on a lover (who was amazing btw I recommend it highly) I had a moment where I questioned my outlook on this particular relationship. I am an adult. He is an adult. We were not using each other. It was mutual. Fun. Safe. Exciting. But I never once had a moment of guilt, shame or anything else a woman “should” feel.
And NOT having that moment is what concerned me. Had I been spending too much time with the blue-collar workers who make up the industry which in I work? Had the title “sexual innuendo girl” (after my quick wit and ability to change even the purest verbiage dirty) gone to my head? Was I hardened? Had I lost my innocence?
Eh – I didn’t care.
And neither did the fella. (I know that for sure, if you know what I mean.)
Always yours, thesexyone.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
well, go check out this game. ha!!! not to man-hate, but that's just damn funny.
This brings me to something that pissed me off. A guy at work.. a slightly older married guy at work... was talking to me about Mr. Ex and he asked what I was looking for in someone long term (he was thinking of fixing me up and I was making sure that didnt happen. I dont WANT to be fiexed up. I LIKE being single right now. *sigh*). I listed a few things and said that I feel, as I get older, breakups are harder b/c you really ARE dating people which are closer to "the right one." I mean.. you've had enough time to figure out the OBVIOUS wrong ones, so the ones who get through the weed out process and you date for an extended period..are often closer to a Mr. Right, right? Yeah, well.. I think so. Anywhoo, he had the nerve to tell me "Sometimes people have to re-evaluate what they want b/c it may not be out there. Compromise isn't so bad." Um.. okay.. There are SO many things wrong with that, if you ask me! SO many things! First, if I wanted to settle, I would have by now. Second, I feel badly for his wife if that's his mentality. Third, I would rather be single and even slightly lonely at times, but happy...than with someone not right and miserable. What is WRONG with people? Sheez. COUPLING is NOT as big of a deal as we tend to make it out to be. I think it's also an American thing... but that's a tangent for a different day. :) So.. there you have it...I might go out with some weirdos, strangos, etc for fun (insert mischievous giggle) but "compromise" like THAT long term is not even something that crosses my mind. Hmph! People!
From my apartment, I can hear drunk people after bars close (I live close to bars so people park their cars close) Anyway.. I heard some couple yelling the other night and a smile crossed my lips.. I thought "wow.. I am so done with that." Dont get me wrong..we didn't fight all the time.. and TMI but.. drunk sex=awesome. Drunk fights=HORRIBLE. *blissful sigh* I love...LOVE..LOOOOOVE..not compromising.
So, I hope we've all had those really nice and comfy parts of a relationship--the first few times you sleep together (and I'm meaning in the literal sharing-a-bed sense). And you cuddle and kiss and all. The warm fuzzies, y'know? I like them.
A few nights ago was the first night I spent at *his* place. The other few had been at mine. And after borrowing a tshirt and some of his pajamas I put my jeans, sweater and bra on the floor. Might I add, it was my new fifty dollar bra that I'd purchased a mere twelve days before, in order to wear it with the sweater I bought the same day, in order to go to a party with him that he'd invited me to at the last minute. I think you can see where this is going...
It's 130 on a schoolnight, and as we're all snuggled in bed, he says, "alright stop (hey), what's that sound, everybody look what's going down." Or, maybe instead of quoting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young he just said "do you hear that?" I'm not really sure. :)
anyhoo, it was his puppy. and he had dug into my pile o' clothes and grabbed the most expensive thing in there--my bra. I didn't notice it until I got home the next morning, but there, in the side, under my right arm, was a hole. A hole made by a dog tooth.
for the record, he offered to buy me a new one, and I think I might agree to go halfsies. but, really? what kind of a single girl does this happen to?
I have never ever bought a bra this expensive ever ever ever before. I've never dated someone who had a dog. And I do both, and guess what?
the doggie gets an expensive and silky snack. it's a good thing he's a supercute doggie. and a very great guy. sigh.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Friend= Friendship is a type of interpersonal relationship that is found among humans and among animals with rich intelligence, such as the higher mammals and some birds. Individuals in a friendship relationship will seek out each other's company and exhibit mutually helping behavior.
Friendship is found among people with "rich intelligence." HA! Well, lemme tell you about one person who does NOT fit that category. It MIGHT be the girl who...recently gaining information of my new singledom...invited Mr. Ex over to her place. Why, you might ask? Yeah, well.. it's b/c she had a friend in town who was likely bored, lonely, whatever. What better companion than a guy new to the single scene! Awesome! Yeah, what a good friend she is. You know what MIGHT have made it better, if she had then posted pictures of the drunken party between the small group of them that ensued. Yeah. That might have made it better. Or! OR! Finding out about the locking lips of Mr. Ex with single-girl visiting. Yeah, that might have rocked.
I am independent. I am single. BUT, for the love of GOD, Mr. Ex, get out of my face! GET OUT OF MY FACE! I am of the opinion that many people unfortunately settle for someone that isn't right just b/c the single scene can get so trying.. or maybe b/c they're scared. I don't really know. I broke up with Mr. Ex b/c I am not someone who settles for anything really. I am not someone who will be pushed and pushed into some demure little wilting flower. This is not to say the breakup was one-sided. I just was the only one with enough balls to end it. However, if I didn't care or say I was affected by things like the actions I described above by my "friend," I would have never really cared about him to begin with. Such is the line single girls walk. I mean.. to never care.. is to just be some femi-nazi who isn't really single, smart and powerful anyway in my opinion. I mean.. while Garth Brooks isnt some profound theorist or anything, I really DO follow the whole "Life isn't tried, it is merely survived if you're standing outside the fire." I am a single girl who is afraid- but isn't scared enough to NOT be- "in the fire" and... getting burned happens sometimes. I am not going to settle and that requires getting burned sometimes. Am I searching for "the one?" Nah. Not really. I'm not on some endless quest to be someone's Mrs. However, I do fall for people and I DO hope I am not endlessly dating forever and ever. I'm not some emotionless black hole for crying out loud! LOL! :)
So, here is this newly single girl.. writing a blog.. down but not out. Just annoyed at how very much the one person I dont want to have anything to do with keeps forcing himself into my line of vision. As many other singletons out there know, it gets annoying to be the "one that got away" for Mr. Ex....until you realize that he wasnt your "one that got away." In that realization, there are many dates and many funny dating stories likely to come. Until then, this is one smart-and-single girl who knows what it's like to understand what's not "enough" for her to stay...but also knows that doesn't mean it's not rough to leave. While my friend list may be getting shorter in quantity (thanks to that girl and also Mr. Ex), I am really enjoying it's getting richer in quality..
this guy and I were, oddly enough, talking about hitting on people or being hit on. and how sometimes guys just want to yell at a girl, "whothef*ckdoyouthinkyouare? youthinkyou'resomuchf*ckingbetterthanme? really? growthef*ckup!!!" because, well, sometime girls are reallllly huge jerks when they turn guys down. And, you know, it happens?
big forehead (aka baldy) hits on you.
or the guy says a phrase like, "you've been running through my head all day..."
or, my personal favorite, "I don't have a job." ha!
also, tangent: guys should buy girls drinks. period. if you like her enough to expect her to smile at your jokes, or if you just think she's sexy as hell, buy the lady a drink.
...back on track...
so, anyway, single girls need to say something.
and it's not "I love jerks." (or penises, or you.)
or "Let's have sex." (though some guys might dig that)
or "Marry me, please!"
It's "I'm not interested." If you're feeling really generous, add a "thanks, but" and then say it. but really? sometimes single girls (including this one) just need to grow a pair and say no. and be nice and direct.
because otherwise you end up on dates with nutcases. and though that's fun to blog about, it ain't fun in real life.
I can live the rest of my days flirting and flitting around between various lovers, but when I am sick, I want a boyfriend to bring me orange juice, dry toast and the newest copy of the National Enquirer. I’m sure come tomorrow, when I am better and getting ready for a subway trip down to Chinatown for some purse shopping, I will regret my moment of weakness.
But until then, I’m forced to make my own dry toast.
- always yours, thesexyone
Friday, January 12, 2007
*sigh* So...feeding the awkwardness, I keep peering over Mr. Wont Take a Hint's shoulder at the front door to make sure Mr. Ex doesn't come in b/c I just wasn't in the mood. Well, instead of Mr. Ex, I see ANOTHER guy that I had kinda flirted with a LONG time ago (before said failed relationship). Please note I also kinda blew him off by being sick, allergies, working a lot, or whatever else it could have been that I said. Yeah, so lots of awkward exchanges going around. I'm not rude..seriously.. but.. I think a damn guy should take a friggin hint. I'm looking over his shoulder, Mr Ex's friends are talking about Mr. Ex to me, I am not engaging in conversation. SERIOUSLY. There's no leading on. There's no giving hope. It's simple. BUZZ OFF. Here is where some annoyance comes in. Why is it that, as single girls, we get the rep of being a bitch if we straight up say "No, I'm not interested. Please go away-NOW." (note I have said I wasnt interested to Mr. Wont Take a Hint and it hasnt worked.. so the 'please go away' must be added) *sigh*So, I turn and being talking to girlfriends of mine ignoring Mr. Wont Take a Hint. What does he do.. STANDS. THERE. ALONE. waiting on me to turn back around. By this point, I was seriously pissy and grabbed my girlfriend to go dance.. without saying bye. I was fairly confident that I am now "the bitch" or whatever else. I truly dont care. I have no tolerance for people that are socially inept.... Yeah.. guess what.. I got a text that said "great to see you tonight. hope to see you again" from Mr. WONT TAKE A GD HINT!
I went home. Frustrated, sleepy, and not the slightest bit drunk. How. annoying.
BrainyBlonde (BB) :)
You give him your number on the back of your business card, and he emails you. After a few back-and-forths you regret giving him your info ever-so-slightly because he can't seem to select anything. He wants you to pick the restaurant AND the day AND the time. Which is stupid.
You're told him you like Italian, Mexican and Sushi. That's EASY.
You're about to give him the heave-ho when he sweetly calls and asks if he could please take you out for some sushi at a pretty swank place. So you agree. And give him mental points for liking sushi, too!
When the day of the date arrives you drive yourself to the sushi restaurant (you don't know him from Adam, so there's NO WAY he's picking you up, much to his chagrin—I mean, this blog isn't idiotic and single for a reason!) and apparently your date has made a big deal of this to the wait staff—because they re-seat you twice in order to "make you more comfortable." Whatever.
After a few rounds of "what rolls should we order?" your edammame arrives. He's never had it before and he's terribly not graceful in eating it. No biggie though. And a few minutes later copious amounts of sushi arrive at your table. You use the soy sauce and hand it to him. And he Pours. It. Into. His. Plate. Like, all over his plate. Completely ignoring the little dish specifically for that purpose. Furthermore, he proceeds to spill soy All. Over. The. Table. There is a soy sauce party, nay, a soy sauce lake, all over your table. Little pieces of ginger could float on it like islands on the soy lake. You could have parties on those islands. and serve little tiny pieces of sushi. And drinks with umbrellas.
...mmmm...drinks with umbrellas...and sand...and sun...and hot guys in trunks...and drinks with umbrellas...oh, yeah, people are reading this!
anyhoo. He proceeds to try to mop up the soy sauce that's spilled (mind you there's still an overflowing saucer o' soy that most people would call a plate just chilling on the table), but the napkins at this place are cloth, and they're not so absorbent. When the waiter comes by the guy puts the napkin on top of his plate much like a child would to "hide" the veggies they didn't want to eat.
All this time I'm trying not to laugh, and I'm thinking about the soy sauce, and how it pours so slowly, and wondering how in the world you manage to make an entire small lake/puddle/ocean with that tiny tiny bottle. I mean it's not like ketchup--it doesn't have a high viscosity such that one second there's nothing and then the next there's a huge glob. No, it's a liquid. It's simple...or so I thought.
thank God the guy bought a bottle of wine. because the whole rest of the date went just as swimmingly...but at least I got sushi and some giggles out of the deal?
Thursday, January 11, 2007
It's almost as bad as the "exchanging of stuff" after a breakup. I mean.. really.. there is NO winning with that. You dont get upset and you're an insensitive bitch handing him his things. You DO get upset and you're just not over it and should really move on.. Right. WHATEVER. Can't I just have it sent fed-EX (note the pun) and not deal with the in-person shit? Ugh! I mean.. how badly do I REALLY need my stuff? Those earrings weren't really THAT cute, right? But, then if I saw them on some OTHER girl he was with, I might go postal and bobbitize him. Yeah, might.
Point is.. there really is not right or wrong way to exhange stuff, get rid of the mutual property or come to terms with just keeping it. It's just annoying.. and even the most independent of singletons finds it awkward, uncomfortable...and sometimes emotionally taxing. *Hmph*
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I went on a date with someone one of my BOSSES set me up with. (aka I had to go). I made it a lunch date b/c..well.. lunch is safe. Not only was this guy 10 years my senior (which isnt THAT big of a deal in the grand scheme of things), he rented the garage apartment at my boss' house. Yeah. That's. Cool. I mean.. you can guess I'm in my 20s and this guy is 10 years my senior and he's renting a garage apartment. in a city where the cost of living is like nothing. Okay, so. Lemme give you some background..
I actually dont like dating. I actually loathe dating. I usually wont go on a date unless I already kinda like someone.. well.. like him enough to not want to drown myself in my water glass at dinner, that is. I think part of my problem is that I just dont. care. I mean... I can put on the "wow, the fact that you collect paper plates is cool. when did you start that?" if I have to. But.. who really wants to do that and give some poor guy the idea that you really DO care. Bitchy? Maybe. But, all this has the caviat that I really DO like talking with and learning about people...as long as I already have SOME inkling that we have something in common. Now for my date..
We went on this "date" if you will to a local restaurant. He was short. Very short...but cute...so might as well give him the benefit of the doubt. That was my first mistake. I looked at the menu and thought "hmm.. a cheesburger...yeah.." and he, ordering first (MAJOR DATING NO NO), ordered a salad. Yeah, not even a chicken salad or something with some meat.. just a salad. Okay, so fine.. I ordered a salad, too.. Weirdo. The conversation strugged til the salad came. Thank GAWD for chips and salsa... aka an uncomfortable silence breaker... However, I soon started to HATE the chips and salsa. Why, you ask? Yeah, b/c once his plain girly salad came, he poured his salsa.. all of it.. into the salad.. with the ranch and all. WHAT WAS HE DOING?! I just fixated on his food like you would a girl with a really low cut shirt and HUGE boobs. You cant help but stare. You really cant.
The conversation then took a turn for the worst. He told me "Yeah, I really have no intention of buying a house.. I mean.. what's the hurry when I have such a great set up at [my boss']" I thought "maybe b/c you're X years old and living in a garage apartment screams grown up almost as much as living at home with mom." THEN, he blew that thought.. b/c he said "yeah, I mean.. I can go to my mom's and do laundry as much as I want. I actually go visit her around 4 times a week anyway." I had to resist the urge to run. fast. Oh, you think it's over.. It's not, my friends.. He continued to talk about how he wanted to start an interior design business. It was at this moment where I had a mental picture of this short, salsa loving, grown man, wearing a tutu and sipping tea with his pinky up. All the while, I was polite, but tried to act disinterested enough to not get a call back for second salad episode. It was at this moment that my friends from work walked in...to eat lunch...and check out my date. Yeah, AWESOME.
The rest of the date was fairly uneventful.. despite my friends at a booth nearby pointing at me and snickering...fully realizing I. was.miserable....BUT at the end, he asked for my number and I didn't know what to do. In a panic, I said "Um. I dont talk on the phone. Here's my email address." WHAT?! Who does that?! LOL! He actually DID email me...to thank me for going out with him. Right. You're welcome, bozo. Good luck with the whole decorating thing. If I ever need curtains, I know where to go.. but you're likely too short to hang them anyway. Sheez.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
girl goes into a bar to meet a coworker. who's meeting his friends. they talk about their jobs, and one of them mentions repeatedly that he's unemployed and doing odd jobs for a living. he then proceeds to talk at length about his new house that he just bought. and his nice car. and his expensive hobbies. and as he downs his third five-dollar beer, he brings up his lack-of-job once again.
he keeps ragging on the girl's coworker, saying "why don't you bring attractive women like this around more often" and "you're really pretty."
he tells disgusting stories, likening LOST to masturbation, and talking about a girl whose ass is so wide they've nicknamed her double bucket. another tale is of a guy who used vegetable oil for makeshift lube and didn't put it back in the kitchen before the morning--guess what nickname he now has? the stories are funny, but repulsive. and then the guy saunters off to mingle with others at the bar.
later in the night, he comes up to the girl and starts telling her a story. about drinking and driving. how he's having a brewsky on the way home from work, and he's almost finished with it when a cop pulls up behind him and flips on his lights. this guy chugs the rest of the beer and pulls over to the side of the road, and begins figeting with the bottle, peeling of the label. he picks at it and picks at it and picks at it, and all the while the cop is getting closer. pick, closer. pick, closer. pick, closer. when the cop is about five steps away the label comes free, and the guy slaps it on his forehead. the cop says, "son, have you been drinking?" the guy replies, "no, officer, I'm on the patch."
insert wish-i-weren't-laughing-laugh here.
then, the guy proceeds to directly address the girl, and ask her "what she does for fun." he's pleased to hear about where she lives, for it's near a biking trail. he also assures her that he really does have a job, one that pays for his needs, his frivolities and more, and then says, your coworker will give me your number, I'll give you a call.
why do guys think it's okay to lie?
and furthermore, why do they think it's okay to then undo the lie later in the evening, indicating that the lie was completely for show?
a friend of mine once told me that by wearing heels or makeup or a push-up bra that I, too, was lying. but that's a little more subtle, and a little more acceptable then saying you're unemployed just for the attention it brings. because, well, if you've gotta lie to get a girl to notice you, then you're already in trouble...
and ya might be thinking, "who are these girls, all writing about their stories or whatever? why would they do that?"
well firstly, 'cause they're funny.
and secondly, 'cause we can.
and thirdly, 'cause we think that maybe, just maybe, people might realize how insane dating is.
I mean, when else do you get in the car with an (potentially) almost complete stranger?
Is there another time that you worry quite so much about what you say to someone?
And when else can you be judged merely on the way you walk/talk/say hello/smile/eat?
I'm sure there's another time, but those kind of things pay you in the long-run. They're called jobs. And dating, it's kind of a job too. And based on our experiences, some guys think they've bypassed that whole interview process. I guess that's to be seen.