The right place for "it"

Snippit from last night's over an hour convo with Mr. Myspace:

Him: "I really want to understand you better" (nice)
Me: "You dont have to understand me." (bitchy)
Him: "I know. But, I'd really like to." (nice)
Me: "Well.. I'm just saying you dont have to." (bitchy)

...more conversating...

Me: "I'm sorry...I'm just frustrated"
Him: "You can just SAY you're frustrated instead of being in this mood."
Me: (insulted) "Well.. I didnt KNOW I was frustrated until I started talking." SHEEZ! Men!

I really did kinda push him into getting frustrated with me.. I mean.. I totally got my way in that regard by the end of the conversation. It really is just throwing out the subconscious bait until he bites and says something I can run with. This, my friends, REALLY IS subconscious despite the way it sounds. I am not TRYING to bait him into it..I'm really not.. I am just so frustrated that I dont know how to communicate and decide being difficult fits my mood. Mature? Likely not. Whatever. I'm expressive...and when I dont know HOW to be, I kinda act out a little.. *sigh*

What provoked this not-really-argument/frustration? I have no idea. I am not the only one who does this, am I?

Yeah, didn't think so. Afterall, we ARE women.

I had the longest. day. ever. and didn't really want to talk about it b/c it somewhat involved Mr. Ex. By the end of the day, my frustrations were wrapped up into one big ball just bursting out of my 5 foot 7 inch frame. Yeah. Totally. Maybe I should have just gone to the gym. Nah..I was too tired for that. :) I was more interested in mental sparring.

So, here's my ultimate deal. I really like Mr. Myspace, but hate being so damn not-in-the-right-place for it. Plus, I hate that HE'S not in the right place for it, either. I know that sounds dumb.. b/c really it IS the best thing since neither of us are "in the right place for it." I get it. I get it. But, the fact of the matter is.. I am TERRIFIED of being in the right place for it in the event he never gets to the right place for it. *sigh* This. isnt. making. sense. hahahaha! Maybe it is. I mean..I sound retarded if I explain THAT to him b/c it sounds like I want HIM to be all about it right now.. which in reality, I DONT WANT AT ALL b/c I'm not there EITHER.

BUT, what if I "get there" and he's still "not there" or what if he NEVER gets there? Here I am putting the cart in front of the horse..and I'm not talking long term.. but more just talking falling for someone AGAIN who in turn throws the phrases AGAIN "I dont know what I want right now" or "Sorry.. Im just confused" back in my wee little heart. It's like I'm doing preventative damage control. I think what REALLY bothers me more than the whole "sorry I dont know what I want right now" is it is inevitably followed by "I want YOU and Im NOT confused. Sorry I put you through that." (Case in point.. Mr Ex lately...and the Mr. Ex before him) We all have our baggage. That's mine. I would rather be a cat lady than deal with hearing that damn phrase of "I dont know what I want right now" ONE. MORE. TIME. b/c I KNOW what's coming in a matter of a month...after I'm moving on.. and repairing damage... it's the "YAY! I'm not an assclown! Be with me!!" Um. no.

That, my friends, is what spawned my little attitude problem last night. I get frustrated b/c it makes so much sense TO MEEEEEEE, but boys are a different animal and I am also way better with writing than with speaking. I make lots of noises when speaking in order to replace words.. Lots of "grrr" and "sigh" and "hmph" noises..Who understands THAT? Not me sometimes. LOL! Plus, I really dont think I WANT to talk about it. It's how I FEEL and I dont see that talking about it will make a difference. There will be lots of "what do you wants" and stuff. I HAVE NO IDEA what that is.. I really just wanna play it by ear. Sometimes it takes me getting royally frustrated in order to just play it by ear. Its like I have to release all the frustrated/worried/confused energy or something.. I'm a weirdo. Officially.

~BB