just friends. no, really.

I have a friend. I've known him for quite a few years. I met him in college, when he lived next door to one of my ex-boyfriends in their frat house.

He's a nice guy. We email. We myspace. We read each other's blogs. We sometimes talk on the phone, and we decipher girl/guy-speak for each other. It's nice. He laughed with me when I went on my worst first date ever (the guy made a recipe for me called "you won't be single for long vodka cream pasta" and didn't give me wine until we ate, an hour and a half into the date. but moving on) and I like him. He's nice.

but yesterday? well, I'd travelled to see my friend and family in another state, and he happens to live here too, so he came out to dinner with us. and good lord almighty, it was awful.

things that went wrong:
1. he knew waaaaay too much about me. like, alarming specifics. he could recount essentially word-for-word the details of a dream I posted about the other day. creep-to-the-eeee. he actually interrupted me while I was telling the story. the story of MY dream.
2. he brought me a hat he'd purchased me in palm springs. I don't wear ballcaps. It's a thing. and if he's got #1 down and knows too much about me, he should know this.
3. he stared at my boobs. all damn night long. keep your chin up, dude.
4. he kept demanding I give him my camera. y'see, I'm the photographer. plus, though I'd like to think I look cute all the time, I don't actually look completely adorable while I'm eating. I mean, I'm all about taking pictures, and I do let people use my camera, but it's my baby, and it recently got injured, and I'm just not really okay with people demanding that I do anything. ask, okay?
5. he's linguistically/culturally/socially insensitive. he just says things that people shouldn't say. and it's uncomfortable. and I don't like it.
6. he's hot-heated. at one point my ex-boyfriend, the one who roomed next to him, became a part of the conversation (due to another friend who was at dinner--long not-pertinent story), and Mr. Can't Take a Hint got super-upset. I mean, I'll admit, this ex-boyf was bad news, but that was like soooo six years ago? old news. get upset about the war in iraq or the energy crisis or something important instead, okay? okay. yeesh.

ugh.

worst part? He thinks we're *made* for each other. Like, in the shade--he believes he could make me happier than any man on the earth--and really, for that to happen, first I'd have to have the idea of kissing him not make me vomit in my mouth a little. I don't mean to be harsh, but, well, ew. And that's just one on a list of many no-no's. And I've told him as much--not that I'm a bit disgusted by the idea of kissing him--that I'm not interested, that I think of him as a friend, that he lives a three hour plane ride away, etc., etc..

and he still doesn't get it. I'm a little afraid I'm going to have to be a little, nay, A LOT more blunt, which is so not my style. I don't like to be mean, I don't like to hurt people's feelings. but I might have to, because now it's downright uncomfortable.

and what I really want to know is this--why do ladies have to have a whole book about "he's just not that into you," but guys have license to be wholly unaware of girls not digging them. maybe I should write a book called, "no, she really just wants to be your friend. REALLY."

either that or we're going to have to develop a breath mint that gets ride of that "vomit in my mouth sensation." one of the other. personally, I vote for the book, but hey, whatever works, right? I mean, what's a girl to do?

~foxysavant