Monday, February 5, 2007

Mr. In the Middle

When I blog on here, it seems to be more than once in a day...then nothing for a week or so. Well, here's today's second rant. Someone likes me...a lot. This someone would make an EXCELLENT boyfriend...and maybe even more someday. He wouldn't cheat.. He wouldn't lie.. He'd be a best friend and more. I know it. He has his shit together. He pays attention. He's romantic. I mean.. sheez.. This. attracts. me. HOWEVER, every time I start something with him, I feel like maybe there's something missing. I cant explain it. But, I dont think I've ever wanted it to be there with someone so. badly. Inevitably, I just dont "get there." In short, he's safe...and that both scares me in a good way but also makes me long for something that isn't so safe.

I think of Mr. Ex.. and I don't want to be with him anymore.... DONT GET ME WRONG. I never REALLY, deep down, trusted him with my feelings... Oh, how I wanted to. I had my bouts of trust.. sometimes LONG bouts.. But, then a little doubt crept in.. I think it was b/c he is so very much like me.. not that I dont trust myself.. sheez.. getting complicated. Anyway, I just know I have a lot of walls up and sometimes those walls have hurt people in my past. Okay.. anyway.. Mr. Ex traveled and was kinda dangerous. He was loving and kind..but also adventurous and took me out of my type A personality. We exchanged glances from across a crowded bar...smiled...and engaged in our individual conversations, knowing that little glance was sooo very significant. He is persistent and passionate, but too into figuring himself out to be good in anything long term at this place in his life. He's not safe...and that both excited me and makes me long for something more safe.

Here's my question.. is it so very wrong to want something in-between? Does that even EXIST?! I feel as though I go from 180 to 180.. safe to not safe...when all I'm really looking for is something in the middle. I could live my life with Mr. Safe..and be content...but in that logical, this makes sense kind of way.. I could take my chances with a Mr. Ex type...and have the most intense happiness EVER.. inevitably followed by the most intense sadness. This is not to say I am looking for anything right now.. but even if I was, I am in a place where I wonder if I even know what the hell I'm looking for. Does Mr. In the Middle exist? Someone told me I'm a moron for letting Mr. Safe slip through my hands.. b/c most girls dont ever find a person like him. That makes me incredibly sad..b/c it makes me wonder if I am destined to be with a Mr. Not Safe. (I quickly block that thought out)

Sadly, I am a risk taker wrapped up in a type A personality. I am an overly sarcastic yet overly sensitive person who thrives on social settings just as much as I love solitude. My dating ad: In-the-middle 20 something seeks fellow in- the-middler to avoid going 180 crazy. :) (oh..and someone who knows how to cover up hickeys) ;)

-BB

3 comments:

foxysavant said...

you know what? I have a mr in-the-middle. a safe guy. and though I love him very much I'm pretty darn sure we'll never be dating...because no matter how wonderful mr. safe is, you've gotta ask yourself if you're settling--and if you are...well, there's your answer.

so, does he bother you because he's safe, or does he bother you because you'd be settling?

foxysavant said...

ps-love as in love, not as in "in love"

for the record.

BrainyBlonde said...

I think that is indeed the magic question..that I ask myself ALL. THE. TIME. Isn't it weird that I dont know the answer??